FoulBallz Prognosticates, Part 5: Umpire Sexual Harassment and Announcer Changes

Predictions 21-25: The Crystal Ball Got a Bit Fuzzy

The FoulBallz crystal ball keeps sucking me back in. It’s unrelenting and demanding. I have no choice but to glare, drooling all the time, into its depths. This is the 5th installment of what I have seen…

21) After  several umpires file complaints stating they are victims of sexual harassment from pitchers (who constantly objectify them by checking out their butts as they clear home plate of debris), catchers are forced to clear home plate using compressed air cans. (Umpires are often the butt of jokes and ridicule aren’t they?)

22) In response to the plethora of lame announcers during the 2013 playoffs (they were bad!), MLB rules that no announcers can suck and must pass a baseball terminology exam to be allowed to announce. The first question on the exam is: What is a “punch out”? Multitudes fail. The mass failures create so many problems that most teams end up patching together sound bites from the best announcers they’ve ever had to fix the issue. Tigers fans once again hear Ernie Harwell, Carey is revived at Wrigley and Uecker is signed to a new 99 year contract, dead or alive. This leaves some teams with no announcers at all. Fans aren’t upset, realizing that sometimes silence is better than the drivel they’ve been forced to listen to for years. (And, yea, I used the word “plethora”.)

23) Reacting to fan backlash about longer and longer games, MLB rules not long after the 2013 Winter Meetings (regrettably the FoulBallz line of children’s sports viewing products weren’t ready for this year’s meetings, but we’ll be ready for 2014 and might see you there!) that there will be two new rules designed to shorten the game: 1) Commercials will only air on the green screen behind the batter (that means they won’t be “talkies”), and 2) In order to generate revenue lost as a result of no more “talkies”, they rule that all jerseys must now have ads on them so they look like a NASCAR vehicle.

24) Congress repeals the Cuban embargo citing that Cuba now has two exports that are in the interest of the U.S.: cigars and baseball players. The UN groans in disappointment, releasing a statement that includes: “They just ruined our fun!”

25) Siding with the Reds organization, Dave Dombrowski’s first official act as the surprise new MLB Commissioner is to reinstate Charlie Hustle saying that baseball must distinguish between deeds done as a player and those done as a manager, and that Rose should be allowed to be on the Hall of Fame ballot as a player, but banned for life as a manager. Bart Giamatti is heard rolling in his grave.