Predictions 16-20: Pithy or Just Plain Mean?
This is the fourth installment in reporting to you the great things we baseball fans have to look forward to during the current off-season and into and beyond the 2014 MLB season. Admittedly, the crystal ball doesn’t show me as many details as I wish it would, but here are some more doozies!
16) AL teams petition MLB to move the batter’s box at least 6 more inches from the plate. They cite an increase in PTSD among pitchers as a direct result of Shane Victorino crowding the plate. They also claim that the current distance gives him an unfair advantage. (If they are willing to ban home plate collisions, I’m pretty sure they aren’t opposed to doing this either. It protects their investments and lowers their insurance after all…then again, that argument seems moot since there’s this universal healthcare thing called the Affordable Care Act.)
17) MLB rules that pitch counts are for wimps and bans them, arguing, in part, that if Jack Morris could throw 120+ pitches for a complete game win, then so can everyone else. This leads to smaller bullpens and Tigers and Dodgers fans breathing a collective sigh of relief. It also leads to the 6- and 7-man rotation and a rise in the unemployment rate. On the plus side, little leagues and independent league teams have a glut of pitching coaches.
18) MLB gives up on instant replay and tells everyone, “Baseball was played for 90 years without instant replay, it worked fine then, it’ll work fine now.” For emphasis, they add, “Deal with it.”
19) Deciding that Bud Selig really can’t do anything to them, the Reds decide to finally retire #14.
20) PEDs suddenly disappear from every lab in the country. The primary suspect turns out to be the leader of a tight knit group of super fans who just wanna be like A-Rod; they are found to be going for the charming personality traits PEDs bring alive within a person.