As preparations for the 2014 season start, FoulBallz has looked long and hard into the office crystal ball and focused on the swirling red liquid inside it to come up with a growing list of predictions for the 2014-2015 off season, the 2015 season and beyond. Each week or so—and for as long as my third eye shows me the future—an updated list of predictions will be posted.
Here’s a look at the first five FoulBallz prognostications for the upcoming six months of the season. Some are serious. Others are seriously funny…I hope:
Predictions: They Could Happen…
1) In a surprise move, Dave Dombrowski is named the new Commissioner right before the 2014 season, a year earlier than anticipated. The Tigers, taken by surprise too, name Jim Leyland as GM. Leyland’s first official act as the Tigers GM is to name himself the designated smoking area. He places a 100 feet perimeter around himself. Light ’em if you got ’em!
2) Seeking to get back into the game after having his video game business sink into bankruptcy, Curt Schilling (Remember the bloody sock and the controversy surrounding it?) convinces fellow former MLB pitcher Kenny Rogers (Remember the alleged foreign substance on his hand?) to team up with him to create a new independent league team, The Dirty Sox. They have a bloody good pitching squad; their pitches are dirty!
3) The Twins decide to part with Jack Morris. Immediately after the announcement, the Tigers decide to go back on their claim that the entire coaching staff will return for the 2015 season. The quickly fire the slacking Jeff Jones and make Jack Morris their pitching coach. Morris accepts with the understanding that he can also join Mario Impemba and Rod Allen in the booth EVERY game, instead of being in the dugout being bored.
4) Brandon Inge will be picked up by a MiLB team as the fielding coach (I’m going with the Loons, White Caps, Lugnuts, Tin Caps, Mud Hens or Indianapolis Indians). There will be a clause in his contract that allows for immediate dismissal if he is caught even thinking about coaching any player on their batting. (FYI: Inge is my favorite Tigers 3B of modern times (haters shut up), so this is more my quest to get him a job. Did it work?)
5) The Indians will consider releasing Francona from his contract midseason to go to the Reds, who release their latest manager Bryan Price. In exchange, the Indians only want the real reason spaghetti is called “chili” in that city. It’s one of the greatest culinary mysteries of all time. In response, the city of Cincinnati bans any further discussion on the topic and the Reds must go with a Skipper-by-Committee system until they can find someone not interested in their culinary secret.
8) In yet another surprise move, MLB announces that starting in the 2016 season, in a cost saving move, balls must be used until one of the following happens: it’s hit into foul territory and caught by a fan, its hit as a home run, or the laces are frayed. Fans catching a foul or home run and throwing it back onto the field will be given season tickets as a thank you. (Which seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?)
9) In a surprise announcement, the Seattle Mariners say they too are moving to Oklahoma City in 2015 since the move seems to have worked for the SuperSonics.
10) The White Sox, desperate for some direction, rehire Ozzy. (It could happen. In interesting personal news: He once told my wife to get the f*ck out of his way when he was trying to get onto an elevator. He sounds like a really nice guy, someone the White Sox would love to have back. I’m sure.)