Here is part three of the FoulBallz predictions for the 2014-2015 off season, the 2015 season and beyond. The crystal ball has remained filled with new visions and wonders. So far. Here is the third installment of prognostications taken straight from the bowels of…somewhere in the deep recesses of my baseball deprived (and depraved?) mind…
1) After several umpires file complaints stating they are victims of sexual harassment from pitchers (who constantly objectify them by checking out their butts as they clear home plate of debris), catchers are forced to clear home plate using compressed air cans. (Umpires are often the butt of jokes and ridicule aren’t they?)
2) Reacting to fan backlash about longer and longer games, MLB rules not long after the 2013 Winter Meetings (regrettably the FoulBallz line of children’s sports viewing products weren’t ready for this year’s meetings, but we’ll be ready for 2014 and might see you there!) that there will be two new rules designed to shorten the game: 1) Commercials will only air on the green screen behind the batter (that means they won’t be “talkies”), and 2) In order to generate revenue lost as a result of no more “talkies”, they rule that all jerseys must now have ads on them so they look like a NASCAR vehicle.
3) The Washington Nationals announce firing of two of the Racing Presidents mascots due to debt issues. Congress immediately convenes and raises the debt ceiling in order to have money to fund, through government subsidies, the extra two presidents.
4) Late in the 2015 season, the Marlins follow the Mariners’ lead and announce that they will be moving to Oklahoma City too. The team will be known as “The Sooners-or-Laters” (Though winning the public vote, “The Oklahoma City Bombers” name was nixed from contention, for obvious reasons).
5) Arizona Diamondbacks front office realizes that their abbreviated name sounds a bit too much like “D-bags” and change the team’s name to the Arizona Scorpions, which ends up in a lawsuit being filed against them by the group The Scorpions for copyright infringement. The band says they plan to rock them like a hurricane in court. What a bunch of d-bags.
6) Thinking they have a better reality show concept than “The Franchise” and VH1s “Baseball Wives”, a group of baseball wives pitches a show to ESPN about their charitable work, their families and general down-to-earth lives and interactions and the challenges of moving, raising kids and so on in that environment. It will be called “A League of Our Own”. (IF this actually happens, I want money for the idea!)
7) Finally addressing criticisms about calling it “The World Series”, baseball announces a quota system to ensure all teams have at least one player from each continent and have no fewer than 10 nations represented. The Cuba embargo is put back in place.
8) During 2014 Spring Training, the Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane announces that he’s taking a leave of absence to consult on Moneyball 2: Back on the Ray-dar. It is all about the statistics analysis happy front office of the Tampa Bay Rays. Rays GM Andrew Friedman will be played by Brad Pitt.
9) Led by Erica May Scherzer (Max Scherzer’s beau) and Nicky Getz and Kim DeJesus (of “The Amazing Race” fame), the wives and girlfriends of MLB players form the WAGS Union. Most indicate that they will become the agents of their men. Scott Boras files for an injunction to stop the union, citing–among other things–loss of income and loss of earning capacity. The request is laughed at and denied. The new union begins.
10) Two new expansion teams are announced for the 2017 season. Fans are given the chance to vote on the location and name of the two new teams. The options given are: The Utah Holy Rollers, The Boise Bakers, The Montana Maiasuara, The Cheyenne Bison, The Mississippi Mudpuppies, The Alabama Yellowhammers. MLB adds that all current 30 teams must give up two players—one for each team—and lose their top draft picks in the draft. The Montana Maiasuara and Alabama Yellowhammers win. Their first seasons will be reminiscent of the 2013 Marlins and the 2001-2005 Detroit Tigers.